I will write this down in English in white and black, because I want to shame myself if I cannot carry out what I write today and I want to open myself to everyone not only the Chinese.
Today, there was a fire alarm in the ATH building, so we were forced to go out. People gathered together and talked to each other in groups. I just met a new student and started to talk to her. Then one of my classmates came in. We three began chatting with research project things. Then I realized I could not remember my classmate’s name, which embarrassed me so much. And I started to recall his name. At the same time, a large group consisting of students and professors appeared. They were preparing for taking photos together. I just felt someone was calling us, but I did not response. Why didn’t I answer and participate?
I was entangled with this question after I came back to the office. I told it to my friend. Because I wanted her help me analyze it. I wanted to figure out the reason why I neither response nor take photo. Actually, I really want to take a photo with others, especially with professors, even more with my supervisors. I even dreamed before that I got a picture with her, in which we were arm-in-arm, smiling. And yet I gave up a chance.
I got a talk with my friend:
Friend: If you were alone, would you go there?
Me : I think I would.
Friend: But you did not tell other two people that you want to go.
Me : No, I didn’t.
Friend: OK. Some people don’t like social thing. They think it is hard for them. So they want to avoid the hard thing. People always want to stay in a comfortable area. You refused at that time, which means feel comfortable if you did not go.
Me : But I am sure I would be happy if I did, while now I am not happy. And I think I should be the one who was in the picture rather than looking at it. Just I cannot find the reason now. Maybe you are right, at that time I tended to stay in a comfortable area.
I started to run on the treadmill. Meanwhile, I kept on thinking of it, because I cannot stop before I came round.
I realized that I was a contradiction. There are two me: one speaks in Chinese, and the other one speaks in English. They have the different languages, and they have the totally different characteristics. The Chinese body is talk-tive, humorous sometimes, have strong confidence, like to do everything, like to accept everything, can control everything. While, the English body is very introverted, unconfident, extremely shy, escape talking, escape people, cannot control emotion. I don’t like the English body, and I hate it very much. It is not me. But it is really a part of me now.
And the key difference between the two bodies is the language. The Chinese body has the professional language level, while the English body has the high-school language level. I feel shamed with my high-school language level, so the English body has always poor performance. I am always following the principle that I should be confident and be sure of what I am going to speak before I speak it out. I am always telling myself that I should be sure to demonstrate my best before I do it. So I don’t want to show up when I have to be the English body. I am always considering that I am not ready to demonstrate myself in English, I am not ready to talk with people in English, and I am not ready to socialize with people in English. As the English body, I cannot find myself a comfortable place because I have no confidence in everything. And it definitely means I am escaping things.
Speaking to this, I have to expose the truth and confront it. It is the problem of English. Since 2008, I have told myself that English is your weakness and you have to get over it if you want to go further. After three years, I found English was still my weakness, because I would rather do coding stuffs overnight than learn English.
So in order to push myself, I decided to go for another degree at abroad. I think this time; I have to practice English, because I am in English-speaking country. But the fact is that I did a lot of ridiculous things in the beginning and I felt a lot of pressure. Then when I only focused on projects, I feel comfortable. So again I am attracted by projects and coding stuffs. Maybe someone will say “it is very good that you like coding!”, but I would say coding now is a poison for me. It is like the hard drug that makes me sink and lost. I cannot rescue myself.
Now and here, I have to make a commitment to myself. I have to direct myself into right way.
I want to take photos with others, go! CASCON is the destination.
I want to talk to people, then go! Every day, speak one more sentence than yesterday in English.
I want to make myself confident and comfortable in English, Practice! Every day!